Always carry food in your pocket.
If you find yourself in any kind of natural disaster, the search dogs will find you first
Set yoru favorite songs as custom ringtones for people you hate.
That way, when they call, you can enjoy music whilst ignoring their call
There is a whole series of them. The joke was if some guy’s dog had an Iphone and was able to send texts to the owner - but some are fucking hilarious, even if they are fairly old now
A man walks into a bar with a loaded shotgun and asks “which one of you fucked my wife?”
A voice at the back of the bar speaks up and says “You don’t have enough bullets”
Shotguns don’t fire bullets…
… and has plenty of shot for a Pub full of losers. lol
Oh fuck
I must use emojis in the future…
Fucking hell
Sad when it has to be explained