Well thats just Alternate Facts.
My girlfriend was trying on new clothes, and asked if they made her look fat?
I said, it’s not that the clothes make you look fat, but they make you easier to see
I was at a mate’s house years ago - his wife asked him “Do these clothes make me look fat?”
He replied, " No it’s your face."
He is now happily divorced.
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If we’re doing Wife jokes,
I was shaving the other night when Mrs CDO walked in and asked “does my bum look big in this”?
I answered “yeah, but to be fair it is aonly a small bathroom”.
I was fixing my tie in the mirror when she walked into the bedroom naked. She shouted " close the blinds, the neighbours might see me". I said " don’t worry love. If the neighbours see you they’ll close their own blinds".
This morning I said to Mrs C “you were saying some really horrible things about me in your sleep last night”.
She replied “you’re wrong”.
I said “I’m not wrong. I heard you with my own ears”.
She answered “No, you’re wrong. I wasn’t asleep”.
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So good.
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Walked in last night “don’t let it start, don’t let it start, don’t let it start”
Missus says “what are you muttering about this time???”
Me “it’s started”
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What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
Head Nurse.
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Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?
He got the sack
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What does a short-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose
What is long, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine
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Beheaded?
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Living dangerously…oh Mrs CDO…wait till she see’s the post…
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What’s the difference between a gynaecologist and a drummer? A drummer can deal with multiple cunts at the same time.
The rebuke to all the drummer jokes (I’m a drummer)
How do you know if the drummer’s stool’s level? He drools evenly out of each corner of his mouth.
What does a musician say first thing in the morning?
“Do you want fries with thay?”
And on and on and on