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Oh, we’re halfway there! Woah-Oh!
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A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa.”
The father looks startled. “Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead.
“Well,” the father thinks, “that’s a strange coincidence.”
A month later, he’s listening again as she says her prayers.
“God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away.
Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn’t dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents.
Months go by.
One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: “God bless Mommy…”
She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, “…and goodbye, Daddy.”
“What?!” he blurts out. “Are you sure, sweetheart?”
She nods.
The man’s heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable.
He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives.
Still alive.
Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core.
His wife is waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you all day?!” she demands.
“Don’t yell,” he says. “I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”
She replies, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman dropped dead on the front steps…”
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I saw toast at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.
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A Chinese guy comes into the bar and sits next to me and starts drinking…
I said, “Do you know any of that martial arts stuff like Kung fu, Jiu Jitsu, or Karate?”
He responds, “Why are you asking me that stuff, is it because I’m Chinese?”
I replied, “No, it’s because you’re drinking my fuckin beer”
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It’s a bit like when they started those wash-and-go adverts, “take 2 bottles into the shower?” It was news to most men that there was more than one personal hygiene product.
Naturally, the marketing department had to take things to extremes, in a similar manner to how we now get razors with more blades than a Swiss army knife.
My latest product, designed to cover up my stench of manliness is described as 5-in-1. I have no idea what those 5 are, but I am guessing: shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, washing up liquid, and engine flush.
8 Likes
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a building site…
High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.
“I say! roast beef sandwiches. I’m sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I’ve got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”
Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, “Ach! haggis sandwiches! I’m sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”
Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, “Feck! potato sandwiches! I’m sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”
The next days come and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again.
Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors.
Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men are quite dead.
At the funeral, the tearful wife of the Englishman says, “All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn’t like roast beef. I’d have made him another filling!”
The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, “I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he’d asked for, if he’d just said something!”
The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, “The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!”
12 Likes
Never gets old this one
https://youtube.com/shorts/Qu369wid6vs?si=gShs535-lTKIYBeS
4 Likes