I caught a bit of Nihal Arthanayake’s radio show yesterday where one of the things discussed was gender reveal parties, baby showers etc. I loved the anecdote he told at the end…
(2:49:29 he leads with a listener’s story, then recounts his)
When we were expecting […] our first child, I texted all my mates, all my really close…my day-ones, and said, you know, “my wife’s pregnant!” and a few of my mates were like, “that’s amazing news” and “congratulations” and all that. Just one mate, Jason, top guy one of my oldest mates, he just texted back with, “don’t worry, we’ll find the geezer and we’ll do him in” 
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Already posted elsewhere.
A man goes home to his wife after being fired from his job at a chip factory
The wife is surprised because he had been the employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asked what happened?
I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter, it’s been a dream of mine and I couldn’t resist anymore he replied.
The wife even more surprised after hearing this asked is everything ok with the penis.
Yes everything is fine with my penis he replied.
What about the potato cutter she asked.
She got fired as well was the reply.
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Gave him a laugh but had to wear one.
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I just nicked a join of beef from Tesco.
Security guard ran after me shouting hey you what you doing with that?
I shouted mash, peas, carrots and gravy you nosy cunt. 
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It’s not a funny picture or a joke.
Few years ago my daughter asked if dragons are real. When I said no, she asked why then serious stuffs like flags have dragons. So I said maybe they are real. Then she asked why there’s just paintings and no photos of dragons?
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Because they are invisible.
Seriously, they were all killed off by the English
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Not only can I read it, I can also correct their grammar too.
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