Hello 999, I’d like to report a murder
What do you call a medium to large sized bird staring at a lettuce, Parmesan cheese and croutons?
Work it out 
I’ve just wasted 4 hours of my life. Please tell me the answer 
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Chicken sees a salad.
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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
“I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.
“I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself.”
“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.”
“And what about the third rose?” she asked.
“That’s from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
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Australians 
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A woman gets into a terrible car accident and ends up in an unresponsive state in hospital. One day when her husband visits her, he reaches over and touches her leg, at which point her eyes start to flutter. Then he holds her hand, and her eyes move even more and her heart rate starts to beat faster on the monitor.
The doctors are amazed since this is the first time she’s shown any response. One physician calls him aside and tells him, “We realise this is highly unorthodox but we’re willing to try anything. Why don’t you try oral sex?”
Well, the man asks them to leave the room because he’s embarrassed and it’s obviously a highly intimate moment. After a few minutes her alarms start to go crazy and she flatlines. The medical staff rush into the room: “What happened”??
The man zips up his trousers and says “she choked…”
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Man: ‘I have a strong desire to live forever, what can I do?’
Wise Old Man: ‘Get married.’
Man: ‘And then will I live forever…?’
Wise Old Man: ‘No, but the desire will disappear.’
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