Well thats just Alternate Facts.
My girlfriend was trying on new clothes, and asked if they made her look fat?
I said, it’s not that the clothes make you look fat, but they make you easier to see
I was at a mate’s house years ago - his wife asked him “Do these clothes make me look fat?”
He replied, " No it’s your face."
He is now happily divorced.
If we’re doing Wife jokes,
I was shaving the other night when Mrs CDO walked in and asked “does my bum look big in this”?
I answered “yeah, but to be fair it is aonly a small bathroom”.
I was fixing my tie in the mirror when she walked into the bedroom naked. She shouted " close the blinds, the neighbours might see me". I said " don’t worry love. If the neighbours see you they’ll close their own blinds".
This morning I said to Mrs C “you were saying some really horrible things about me in your sleep last night”.
She replied “you’re wrong”.
I said “I’m not wrong. I heard you with my own ears”.
She answered “No, you’re wrong. I wasn’t asleep”.
So good.
Walked in last night “don’t let it start, don’t let it start, don’t let it start”
Missus says “what are you muttering about this time???”
Me “it’s started”
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
Head Nurse.
Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?
He got the sack
What does a short-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose
What is long, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine
Beheaded?
Living dangerously…oh Mrs CDO…wait till she see’s the post…
What’s the difference between a gynaecologist and a drummer? A drummer can deal with multiple cunts at the same time.
The rebuke to all the drummer jokes (I’m a drummer)
How do you know if the drummer’s stool’s level? He drools evenly out of each corner of his mouth.
What does a musician say first thing in the morning?
“Do you want fries with thay?”
And on and on and on