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This deserves a Howling 
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Guy win a football in a raffle. Its been signed by the Arsenal team. He looks at the ball and says to the man - This hasn’t been signed by the goalkeeper? Man says, No…but he got his fingers to it!
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Was in a restaurant the other day and ordered Octopus.
Waiter said it would take 4 hours.
4 hours? I replied.
Well said the waiter, we cook them alive but they keep turning the gas off.
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Three midgets in a pub all arguing over who is the smallest of the three
First one says “well I definitely have the smallest hands”
Second one says, “well in that case my feet are tiny, I definitely have the smallest feet”
Third midget says, “that may be so but my dick is microscopic, it has to be the smallest in the world”
They stop arguing for a minute and agree to head down to the Guinness world records HQ, when they arrive the first midget goes in and after a few minutes walks out with a big grin on his face “knew it, smallest hands in the world I’m now in the book”
Second midget comes out “ told you so, tiniest feet in the world”
Third midget walks out really angry and asks “ who the fuck is @Scott.Jones. 
Sorry Scotty:wink:
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I’ve only got a 3” cock…but some girls dont like it that wide…
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Hypnotist at a Seniors’ Home.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
“It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch — watch the watch ---- watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
“SHIT,” shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center and Claude was never invited back.
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