Reminds me of the spider I saw in the outside dunny at Perth observatory. Absolutely crapped myself. I suppose it was fortunate that I was sitting on the dunny at the time.
Aussie spiders are actually very considerate like that.
So you went for a shit and had a shit!
A woman was angry at her husband because he was late coming home again. She decided to leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you. Don’t ever bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and picked up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone, “Yeah, she’s finally gone, I know about bloody time I’m coming to see you, put on that see - through dress I like. I love you, can’t wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things we were talking about.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off. She came out from under the bed filled with rage and tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
It said 'I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes. Ha ha.
Looks like he’s enjoying himself in the shower, too.
I wonder if they serve them with cranberry sauce? That should get the Beatles conspiracy theorists going.
It does work you’ll end up using the hammer as usual.
As specified somewhere in the Haynes Book Of Lies. A detailed guide to commonly used phrases:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don’t you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place … clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it’s there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! … Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! … Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate …
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we’re giving you.
Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…
Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease …
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to …
Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered “lightly”.
Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!
