Today a man with a stutter was convicted and sentenced to prison for life, but his victims are worried that he won’t finish his sentence
Sometimes the funniest ones are just the plain old typos:
Betty’s washing machine quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the washing machine and leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.
"Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Betty’s house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching him go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
@Retro_Helix pissed myself you owe me some new pants 
.
@Limiescouse Care to explain your follow Floridians?
MAJOR CRIME ALERT!
Eight unfit cops(?) chasing a guy on his boar(?) as they charge across a golf course…
Let’s hope it was one of Donald J Turd’s 
A couple was heading out for vacation, but the wife got stuck at work with an emergency. They agreed the husband would go ahead and she’d join him the next day.
After checking into the hotel, the husband decided to email his wife to let her know he’d arrived safely.
But while typing her address, he made a tiny mistake and accidentally sent the message to an elderly minister’s wife whose husband had passed away just the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her email, she let out a scream and fainted.
Her family rushed in, revived her, and saw the message still glowing on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just checked in. Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. It’s really hot down here.
A man turns 90 and heads to the doctor for his annual check-up.
After his exam, the doctor says,
“For a man your age, you’re remarkable; in fact, you’re in the best shape I’ve ever seen for someone of your advancing years.”
The old man smiles proudly.
“Well, Doc, it comes from good, clean living. I know for certain I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor raises an eyebrow.
“Oh? And what makes you say that?”
The old man winks.
“If I didn’t live a good, clean life, the Good Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doctor looks concerned.
“You mean… whenever you get up to use the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns the light on for you?”
“Yep,” the old man replies confidently. “Every single night.”
A few days later, the old man’s wife comes in for her own check-up. The doctor feels he should mention it.
“Your husband is in fantastic physical shape,” the doctor says, “but I’m a little concerned about his mental state. He told me that every night when he gets up to use the bathroom, the Good Lord turns the light on for him.”
She stares at him.
“He WHAT?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Her eyes go wide, and she throws her hands in the air.
“Aha! So he’s the one who’s been peeing in the fridge!”
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple of times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It’s a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution “C” Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch’s & a Tuffy Security Drawer…
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don’t worry, buddy. We’ll find your Jeep.