No thanks!
Pissed myself! 
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1 Like
I drove past a florist once on Valentines Day and they had a chalkboard outside…
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Don’t forget your wife’s flowers
Or God help you :0)
Big line of cars had pulled up along the kerb with a row of sheepish looking guys shuffling on the spot awaiting their turn to buy some
Roses are red, it’s elementary.
Let’s ask a friend round and try…….
Robbo “you aint got the reach to punch me”
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Oops.
Glued his hand to the road, so they dug the road up 
Why aren’t the pyramids in the British Museum?
They wouldn’t fit.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, ‘I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.’ The older doctor says, ‘Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?’
As they left, the younger man said, ‘You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?’
‘I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.’
‘Huh,’ the younger doctor said. ‘Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.’
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, ‘I’m feeling terribly run down lately.’
‘You’ve probably been doing too much work for the Church,’ the younger doctor told her. ‘Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.’
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
‘I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the church Pastor under the bed.’
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One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class…
Teacher: What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny: I want a wife like the moon…
Teacher: Wow !! What a choice…do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny: No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning…
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