Great fun until he burned the warehouse down.
A guy desperate for a job gets offered one at the local Safari Park by the owner, on the proviso he can pass the first days trial…
Keen to impress and extend his employment into a permanent arrangement and finally get some money in his pocket… he arrives an hour early, gets changed into his Ranger uniform, and goes to the managers office to be deployed his duties…
“take this powdered fish food to the lake, the manager says, and sprinkle two spoonful’s onto the surface. Be careful though, those fish in that lake are worth over £1k each… Two spoonful’s and no more”
So the guy, not being the brightest they ever trialled out, walks the 500m to the lake, by which time, he can’t remember the manager’s instructions… Two cupful’s he thinks to himself, yeah that’s what he said to me, two cupful’s…
So he takes the cup off the top of his flask, scoops and sprinkles two cupful’s of this powdered fish food onto the waters surface… Seconds later, and it was a feeding frenzy, with hundreds of the most colourful, palm sized fish imaginable…
As the food quickly disappears, he stands back to admire the handiwork of completing his first ever task… big contented smile starts to spread across his face as he begins to walk away… when all of a sudden, a single lifeless fish floats to the top of the water, dead.!
Then another, and another until one part of the lake was blanketed with all these dead fish…
Shit he thinks to himself… I must have overfed them…
Panicking now, sweat beads appearing instantly as thinks about having to tell his manager. No doubt get sacked on the spot… no first pay packet, no funds to buy his shopping at the end of the week…
Fuck he thinks, what am I going to do… I’m a failure, always have been, always will be…
With his head in hands, and a realisation of what he now has to face, he notices the Lions Enclosure, with three big majestic, fearless looking animals prowling back and forth along their side of the mesh fence…
Thank you God he utters out loud… as though he has been sent an answer to his prayers… and with a newly discovered zest, he grabs the big fishing net, and starts to scoop out these layers of floating fish, and throws them into the Lions cage… Within minutes the fish were cleared, the lake was glass-like again, and the Lions had scoffed the lot…
Breathing a sigh of relief now that the evidence of his fuck-up has been concealed… he decides to say nothing to his manager, and goes to ask for his next assignment…
Go to the Beehives, says the manager, put a safety suit on, and retrieve the honeycomb that the Bees have collected… Use the green smoke dispensers to calm the Bees so they don’t sting you… Whatever you do, don’t use the red dispensers because they contain pesticides we waft over the weeds to suppress them…
Off he trots, suits up, cant remember what colour dispenser he was told to use… and just like the fish, he gets it wrong, and kills off all these tens of thousands of Bees within minutes… They are lying everywhere, four or five inch blanket of these Bees on the floor all around him… so like some fine wine connoisseur treading grapes in a barrel, he attempts to squish down these Bees to compact them into the soil and out of sight… not a chance, just too many.
Fuck he says to himself again, as he takes off his protective suit… This time though, he knows what to do to cover his tracks… he speeds into action, and with a big wide snow spade, and in one swift, blur of a movement, he scoops up these Bees by the shovelful, and launches them over into the Lions Pen… Within a few minutes, the ground is clear, not a dead Bee left in attendance anywhere… with the Lions seemingly giving him a nod, and again, making short shrift of polishing them off… Evidence has gone, who is to know he thinks to himself as he walks back to the managers office for his next task…
Go to the stores and get six yellow buckets of fruit, then go and feed the monkeys says the manager… Don’t mix them up with the blue buckets that are in there, as they are reserved for the elephants and have been treated with a special type of antibiotic just for them…
Off he wanders to the stores, totally oblivious by this time that there is any difference between the buckets of fruit… although he does seem to remember the manager saying something about them… Again, sods law, he takes the wrong colour buckets… Easy enough to feed the Monkey’s he thinking to himself, as he tips the contents onto the ground, where it is quickly snatched and grabbed by these dozens of Monkey’s, that then scarper up the trees to gulp down their feast…
As he is exiting the gate with the now empty buckets, he hears a loud thud, then another, and another… as he turns around all he sees is these Monkeys falling out of their trees… thud thud thud is all he hears, until silence blankets the Monkey Pen… Dead, all of them…!
Fuckin Hell he murmer’s this time… Hope them Lions are still hungry… So one by one, like some Olympic discus thrower, he swirls each Monkey around his head, holding onto their wrist… and at the precise moment, he lets go so they land exactly where he spun them… bang in the centre of the Lions Den…
Ten minutes of serious exertion this takes him to complete, by which time he is absolutely knackered… Lifts his head and sets his gaze over to the Lions… Yep, licking their lips again, they have once more consumed the evidence of his crime…
As he gathers up a bit of energy, he makes his way back to the managers office… sweat pouring off him, his Rangers uniform stuck to him everywhere…
The manager takes a look at him, and obviously thinks this guy is working himself to the bone, and for the first time that day, he softens a tad and offers some respite…
Go and change your uniform the manager says and smarten yourself up a touch… For I am going to promote you to being one of our tour guides… Real easy job, more money per hour, you meet the visitors as they enter the Park, answer their questions, and maybe show them around a bit… easy peasy
Upon hearing this good news, after such a disastrous morning, the guy has a new spring in his step, and as he was instructed, he changed into a brand new Ranger uniform…
Standing to attention by the turnstiles awaiting the first enquiry, a couple come over and start to ask some straightforward questions… how many types of animals are in the Park… what type is the most popular… etc etc etc…
Walking and talking as these questions and answers are being bandied back and forth, this guy and this couple suddenly find themselves in front of the Lion Enclosure, with these three magnificent looking beasts staring directly back at them…
WOW… says the couple, what wonderful looking Lions they are…
Yeah, the Rangers answers, we really look after our animals here in the Park…
WOW… the couple utter again, they must take some feeding everyday… what do they eat.?
The Ranger, boasting away now, says these are the best fed Lions in captivity. Take today for example they have had Fish, Chimps & Mushy Bees…
Well I thought it was funny when I first heard it :0)
2 Likes
So in response, I’m actually going to type this one out. Was my Gran’s second fav joke. Took her about a week to tell it.
Guy driving down a dual carriageway is flagged down by a fellow motorist who’s broken down. He stops and walks over to the man. "Please help me, I have 2 monkeys in the car and I have to get them to the zoo. It’s 20 miles away. If you take them for me, I’ll give you £100. " The guy thinks about this and decides to help. The man gives him £100, puts the monkeys into his car and then waits for the RAC. The guy drives off with the money and the monkeys.
RAC arrive 2 hours later, fix the car and the man sets off the drive home. As he’s driving through the town, he sees the guy with the two monkeys crossing the road. The monkeys have hats on and are carrying balloons. He winds his window down and shouts “What the hell are you doing? I told you to take them to the zoo!” The guy replies “I did but we’ve got some money left so we’re going for ice-cream and then the cinema”
1 Like
Whilst I have a keyboard, here’s Granny’s fav joke. Pretty good I think.
The vicar’s phone rings one morning, it’s the head of the local girls’ school.
“Morning vicar, I wonder if you could do us a favor please?”
“Certainy, anything for the girls”
“Perfect! The girls in the top class are getting to an age where they need the facts of life explaining to them but very much from a religious point of view, will you help?”
The vicar thinks about this and says “Yes, very much something I can help with, a very moral lecture on the importance of chastity before marriage would be very much in order”
“Friday morning at 10am?”
“Excellent, yes see you there”
The vicar smiles to himself slightly as he picks up his pen to enter the date in his diary. “I can’t put “go to girl’s school to give lecture on sex” in my diary, I’ll put “sailing” instead”
So at 10 am Friday morning, his diary schedule is “Go to girls’ school to give lecture on sailing”
The following day, the head mistresses’ phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hello Sandra, it’s Florence here the vicar’s wife”
“Oh hello Florence”
“I’ve been going through my husband’s diary for this week and noticed he’s giving a lecture on Friday for the girls”
“Yes and we’re very grateful to him for it”
“Are you really sure he’s the best person for the job?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he’s only ever done it twice, the first time he was sick, the second time his hat blew off!”
1 Like
A Vicar turns up late for a meeting with his Bishop. He explains that someone has stolen his bike, but he has a problem. His parish is only a small village and the surrounding farms and everyone attends his church. As there have been no strangers in the area lately, he is certain that it must be one of his congregation that has stolen it.
The Bishop thinks he has a solution. He tells him that at the beginning of the service the following Sunday he should stand in the pulpit and recite the ten commandments slowly. Keep an eye on the congregation and see if anyone looks guilty when he’s recited “Thou shall not steal”? The Bishop offers to come along as a second pair of eyes.
Sunday comes and the Vicar enters the pulpit. He begins reciting the commandments but before reaching ‘Though shall not steal’ he stops a continues with his normal service. After the service the Bishop pulls him to one side and asks why he didn’t go through with the plan. “There was no need to” replied the Vicar. “When I got to ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’ I remembered where I left my bike”.
1 Like
What do you call an alligator in a waistcoat?
An investigator.
Ok I’m sorry, that wasn’t funny. Peace out.
Ukrainian drone commander Magyar, just posted a funny video clip today:
1 Like
2 Likes
2 Likes
