Family in Liverpool in mourning, Everton supporting father had died and his open casket was in the family living room.
Mother said to the son, “Go upstairs and get your dads scarf”
While rooting for it, he found 2 match tickets for the next day.
Mum said it was a sign, you have to take your dad to the match.
Son was like, but he’s dead ma!!
I don’t care, its a sign for sure, take him with you.
So he got the old fella over his shoulder, down the ground and through the turnstile.
Sat down together for the first half.
Kid went for a piss at half time, and when he got back his old fella had fucked off
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A joke about an unfaithful zookeeper has been named the funniest gag at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
Comedian Lorna Rose Treen was voted the winner with her pun: “I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.”
And this was the funniest? Maybe it was just a particularly bad year.
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I went to the doctors. He said what’s the matter? I said: One minute I feel like a tee pee the next I feel like a wigwam. He said, you’re feeling too tents.
No, they are usually this bad. At least the ones in the competition are.
It was once said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but it’s really the pun.
Full shortlist for the award this year:
I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise.’ - Liz Guterbock
Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it’s called a podcast - Sikisa
I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He’s Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
My grandma describes herself as being in her “twilight years” which I love because they’re great films - Daniel Foxx
Last year’s winner wasn’t much better:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta
There was a Scouse winner back in 2018:
Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day - Alan Rowe
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I love a good pun but that’s just too obvious…would barely make a Christmas cracker gag
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No, it’s still sarcasm, coz it involves being a prick.
Having said that…some puns necessitate the mandatory ejection from the premises of the punster.
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It is true though, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Except when it is used on the lowest form of life
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My mother in law is sooo ugly, a peeping Tom knocked on the window and told her to shut the curtains.
I got up one morning and told the wife ‘it’s foggy, I’m not going to work.’ She said; I can see across the roof tops.’ I replied ‘I’m not going that way.’
Doctor gags?
Doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards
Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor doctor people keep ignoring m
etc etc
But the one reasonably funny one, doing this on a phone…
Very short lady goes into a doctors. “Dr, you have to help me, everytime it’s raining, I get horrible pains between my legs.”
Dr “It’s not raining now, are you in pain”
Lady “No”
Dr “Then come back next time it is”
Next day the lady comes in in tears soaking wet, monsoon outside.
Dr “OK, hop up onto the table. Ah, I see the problem”
There’s a sound of instruments being used and a distinctive snip snip sound. The lady climbs down and is elated. “Dr, you’ve cured me, what was the problem???”
Come on TAN, somebody else can give the punchline 
It just doesn’t work for me. A cheetah isn’t a zookeeper, it’s a zoo animal. 
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The cheetah ‘joke’ is shit in my opinion. Just doesn’t work at all.
From the shortlist, number 9 was my favourite.
What do you call a fat Egyptian car mechanic?
Two tone car man.
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My 6yo’s jokes are genuinely funnier and more creative than that
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I don’t believe that cheetah joke won, you must be lion.
Seriously, though, that joke is tragic.
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It Bearly works when it’s written down. But when said out loud it’s even worse.