Oh, yeah, I’ve got it now 
A man sees a sign outside a house - ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.
“Yes,” the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined M.I.6.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten quid,” the owner says.
“£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
“Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the ****ing garden.”
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This one, you can take it or leave it
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A group of Royal Marines were out a yomp when they saw a girl about to jump off the Tamar Bridge . So they stopped to see if they could help rescue her. George, their leader, a big burly man of 33, stops with his buddies, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …“Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his marine buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, darling. You could be famous if you came on a date with me. “So why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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An evil Mr Mayigi would disagree…
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